From her eyes

"What if I was wrong, and jumped to conclusions
Cause the chance of losing you was all too dangerous
So I just assume that you’re doing things before you get the chance
So I can leave and feel like I’ve got the upper hand
Guilty yeah, maybe I’m just scared to go all in” 

Sometimes, it’s good to look back.

So I was just unwinding from my day and looking back at all my tagged photos on facebook and it’s like…damn.  That’s all I can say.  So many different memories and feelings and just looking back it reminds me of “how I felt about life at the time”.  Most of the time the way I felt would be careless. 

I look back and and so many instances I’m just like wow, I didn’t care about a damn thing in the world.  There was so much to just enjoy.  Things were less complicated in life.  Idk. Just a LOT of variety in feelings and emotions.

I would look and a lot of thoughts that crossed my mind consisted of the following:

Man, things were so much simpler back then.  Things were less complicated.  That’s when my family wasn’t broken.  That’s when my parents weren’t divorced.  That’s when they weren’t bankrupt and struggling.  That’s when I didn’t have so much towards the world.  That’s when I actually loved how good things were.  Idk.  That’s when life was bright. 

Although things are bit more complicated now, I still choose to love life.  Not because I want to, but because I have to.  One thing my big bro in my frat back in Irvine told me was “Jeremy, you have to be strong for your family.  Right now,  they’re going through tough times with the divorce.  Do you think your death would make it better?  You’re the oldest, you have to be strong for them.”  It’s funny bc my older cousin said the same thing with her family. 

And quite frankly, it’s true.  Loving life is the only option I have.  And it’s not that bad actually.  It forces me to move on with shitty situations.  It gives me optimism.  It also gives me TRUST in God. 

But after thinking those things, I also thought about like damn… Look what I’ve overcame.  Look at how far I’ve got.  Look what I’ve accomplished.  And like, if I could do all that…imagine what else I could do?

I only went back to a span of 2 years….and so much has happened.  Good AND bad.  Though the bad outweighed the good…. the growth in me was worth any bad situation.  It helped me grow stronger, become better, mentally, physically, and emotionally. 

And it’s just like, if all that happened in the past 2 years…..What’s in stored for the next 2?  That thought alone just gets me so excited and thrilled. 

Maybe in life, things will never get simpler.  Bc lately I’ve just been noticing that life just gets more complicated.  But I’ve also noticed that even tho gets crazier, you get stronger as well. 

And with that, I think that’s just what’s awesome about life.  Like Eminem said “I may be only 5’9”, but i feel like I’m 6’8”“.  It’ all about perspective.

"You didn’t love them.  You just didn’t want to be alone.  Or maybe, they were good for your pride.  Or maybe they made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t love them, because you don’t destroy the person that you love."

You really fucked this up for the both of us.

It’s really sad.

We built this from the ground up.

But now we’re watching it burn down.

And you ask why didn’t I bother to put the fire out?

Bc you were holding the gasoline darling.

Take care.

gru-ff:

you’ve become so
damaged, that when
someone wants to
give you, what you
deserve
you have no idea,
how to respond. 

(Source: itsonlyyforever)

There’s really a lot going on in this world

People need to understand that this world…is ultimately really a sick sick place.  People are really heartless and that society doesn’t really care about morals….they just want results.  It’s cold world, no blanket. 

It’s sad, but it’s honestly really true.  You can’t really count on anyone nor can you really trust them either.  No matter the good you do, you can’t expect to have a smooth life.  People will stab you in the back, they will lie to your face, they will use you.  They will say something to you one day, act a certain way, say things you wanna hear….then one day…without warning….they. will. do. everything. they. swore. they. would. never. do.  And it will tear you to shreds.  It’ll suck the life out of you.

Don’t go thinking you can change someone.  Don’t think you can fix them either.  Some people…you just can’t change them.  Don’t think you can help them grow or become a better person.  People, despite what help they get, will never change.  It’s really just a waste of time and effort.  Some can change…but it honestly comes down on their own effort.  You can only do so much but ultimately it’s all them.

It’s all for the best to just focus on you.  Do you.  Focus on your goals.  Focus on your career.  Focus on YOUR feelings.  YOUR pleasure.  Focus on loving YOURSELF.  Because like I said, you only have you.  No one is gonna help you, come to your aid, help you, etc.  You gotta just carry on yourself.

Have you ever wondered why people are the way they are today?  It’s because they’ve been through really bad times.  Really REALLY dark times in their life.  When people ask them why are you so cold? why are you so broken? why are you so cynical? why are you….the way you are?  It’s really their experiences that they’ve been through. 

Experiences like these really just leave someone lifeless, cold, and an empty shell.  Nothing but hollowness on the inside.  An empty vessel with a lack of emotion just wandering and going through the emotions.  A lot of people don’t wanna be like this, but they are.  They don’t choose to live this way, nor do they intend to, but it’s just the way it is. 

There’s a lot going on this world.  Things you don’t know what’s going on.  Things that’ll surprise you.  Don’t be naive.  You have to just be cautious and take care of yourself.

No one really “knows” me

You know when I think about it.  It’s really hard to picture myself with anyone….ever…for that matter.  Like idk, I’ve just grown so distant from the thought of relationships and how this thing called “love” that everyone on the fucking planet is obsessed with.  Like ehh… I just cringe when I think about it.

To let someone in, let yourself vulnerable and have them explore the deepest crevasses of your mind and heart and soul.  To let them hold your emotions in their hands… It’s just like….idk.. I’d rather not.

No one really knows me anyway.  No one understands me, understands the shit I went through. Like yeah from the outside looking in, i may just seem like some whiny emo 19 year old kid. But to be honest I feel like a 60 year old soul that has seen and been through way too much heavy shit for this age.

No one understands what it’s like to have been locked in a psychiatric ward for a day and have ppl think your crazy.  No one understands the pain of having to DO THINGS to end up having to be put there.

Like shit, I have so much negativity and shitty shit that I’ve been through in life…. fuck I sound so pathetic.  Idk.. just more ranting.

Idk, i guess it’ll happen some day. but ehhh… Relationships, couples, feelings, emotions.  Like there’s too much shit at stake and involved and people just get hurt.  Like….there are just some REALLY fucked up people in this world.  And it’s so unbelievable how fucked up they can be and the things they can do to you.  Someone who could say they love you so much and proclaim shit…then one day they just turn the complete 180 and do the complete opposite.  When shit like that happens it’s just like…wtf…you said you LOVED me….and you doing that?  How am I supposed to believe in this thing called “love”?  I’d rather just have my friends.

It’s just ridiculous.

Sooooo….it’s been awhile…and lately I’ve been stuck in a “trance”

Lol it’s been like what?….a good….7 months since I’ve been away from this?  I must say, ditching tumblr really helped.  I think part of the reason why society is so underdeveloped is because everyone is so caught up and depressed with the shit they see on tumblr.  Like everyone just sees what they CAN’T have.  Whether it’d be love, relationships, sex, cute couple shit, etc…. 

Like I can honestly say ditching tumblr for awhile would be healthy.  Anyway, I figured I’d come back “just for shits and giggles” yenno?  I kinda miss endless venting and ranting about nonsense. 

But anyway, yeahh…well…. this “trance” idk man… Lately I just feel like I need to focus on my career.  I’ve been trying so hard to eliminate every negativity and distraction I have in my life holding me back from accomplishing my dreams and goals.  There is just so much negativity in my life that I have no room for anymore bullshit.  What I’m trying to say is, people, if you’re in a crappy relationship, you need to get out.  It’s not healthy.  And i know you might be scared, trust me I am.  But you need have the balls to step out in leap of faith.  And you’ll know it’s the right decision.  How?  Because why would you be having the thoughts of “this is a crappy relationship” in your mind in the first place? 

In 2013, I went through so much depression.  From my ex girlfriend’s bullshit, my grades, transferring universities, my parents divorcing, my parents going bankrupt FROM the divorce, to me being the oldest child and being strong for the family.  I went through a suicide attempt back in May… that shit was crazy.

Fast forward to now, I think I’m on the right track.  You need to eliminate the toxic people in your life.  It’s for the better.  And honestly letting go and erasing their memories is never easy.  It’s painful, really really painful.  Especially if they’re not mature enough, it’d be hard.  But you need to push yourself.  You need to let go of all the weights and chains.  It’s holding you back from blasting off to accomplishing everything you want in life.

You might have thought they were “the one” but you gotta understand…you’re still young… If you’re 16 or 24, you’ve got a lot of time on your hands….When I had my first serious break up I was 16…I thought it was the end of my life, i wanted to die…I thought I’d never find love again…..fast forward to 19…I had another serious break up….shit..this was soooo hard to deal with it….If i were to go back to being 16, I would have never predicted this to happen….So if all the stuff happened in just 3 years…. Imagine what I’ll experience by the time I’m 22….

Do you see what I mean?  So much can happen in life.  It’s life.  Shit happens….but it doesn’t always have to be shit…  There is so much in this world to see, do, meet, and experience… I wanna see the world, I wanna have fun, party, meet new people.  Your 20’s should be the most reckless, fun, spontaneous, and most of all SELFISH times of your life.  It’s about YOU.  It’s about DOING YOU.  And what makes YOU happy.  Because when you discover this happiness, you’ll discover what you need to be happy and what you want and need in a partner…. Don’t worry, because God has a master plan…. It’s gonna happen…. But if you continue to hold on to weights, it’s gonna slow you down and hold you down.

You are at the bottom of the ocean floor.  You wanna come to the surface which is where your dreams are.  However you’re stuck to the bottom because you are holding a heavy anchor.  You’ve got to let go of the anchor.  You’ve got to brave and let go.  Once you do, you’ll be surely on your way to the surface.

If you don’t want to be depressed anymore get off tumblr.

Seriously.  I haven’t been on this shit in forever and it helped.